Being born and raised in Louisiana, and then moving to Boston as an adult, I’ve seen the best, and worst of both worlds. I’ve learned that the freezing cold is nowhere near as bad as the scorching heat. Many times, people ask me if I root for the Patriots or the Saints. Unsurprisingly, I’m loyal to the my Southern home team (although I’m not a major sports fan). However, all the while when the Yankees seem to act like southerners are stupid, I can’t help but laugh at their stupidity myself.
This article will be regarding the most silly things, I also intend on having an entirely separate rant about Uber Eats in the near future. So stay tuned for that, and join our Discord to be notified when it comes out: https://discord.gg/infotoast.
Wait?! The Milky Way Is Real???!!!
Yes, you heard that right. When I was living in the college dorms when I first moved here, a fellow student unironically was incredibly surprised that the Milky Way could be seen from the sky in rural areas and that she “thought it was a movie trope.”
This city slickin’ goofy yankee has never been far enough out in the country to know that this is what the night sky looks like. They have only known light pollution their entire lives.
“YOU CAN’T MAKE ME GO IN THAT CHURCH!!!”
This is not a story from my own personal experience, but instead from the personal experience of a friend of mine.
In the City of Boston, there is a very clear ordinance that states that no road work is to be done outside of churches on Sunday mornings. It’s a fairly reasonable request, to respect the peace and quiet of worshippers. However, that did not stop a man from a jackhammer in the 1990s from working outside of a church.
The Organist at the church kept with him a printout of the city ordinance in case that happened, and each time the man with the jackhammer would come he would show it.
One day, the organist was too lazy to take off his robe, and he walks outside of the church door with the ordinance shown to the road worker who, with a pale, fearful face screams “YOU CAN’T MAKE ME GO IN THAT CHURCH!!!”
Yes, really, this atheist really thinks that merely walking into a church would make him believe in God. At that point can you even be an atheist anymore?
“Have you ever been to a hoedown?”
Yes, this is an actual question I was once asked by a yankee. I had to ask him what a hoedown even was after I was asked this question. According to him, a hoedown is, “when a group of rednecks jumps around a flaming barrel and screams ‘Yee-Haw! Right dun dere boy!!! Get ‘er done!'”
First of all, what does that even accomplish? Something like that is more likely to happen up here considering weed is legal. Also at least up here it’s cold enough to build a campfire. Although a yankee would be too stupid to know how hot it is.
Goofy Ahh Yankees with No Brim: “A Large Alligator”
A recent headline took place in Idaho where a “large alligator” was found roaming the streets in Idaho. Ignoring the issue of people owning illegal pets, this is the large alligator.
First of all, that is a baby. That is the cutest, most sweetest thing that has ever existed above the Mason-Dixon line. I’ve held alligators that size when I was 8. Alligators get up to the length of a minivan at full adulthood. Yet that officer is holding that thing like he had caught the tooth fairy. To the average Yankee, alligators are clearly a mythical creature. The best part of all of this was the reaction from the local Boston news anchors. These pale, blonde newsladies who have clearly never seen the sun a day in their lives were shocked at this. It genuinely looked like this was the most interesting thing they have covered that whole week.
I don’t know who you are rooting for this football season, just don’t let it be any team that thinks the mascot for the Florida Gators is from a work of fiction.