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How to Turn Off Your Computer and Go Outside

NOTE: As always, this article is a joke. These are not necessarily the opinions of Info Toast or its authors.

I took a 40-day break from Discord for lent recently, and it was a much-needed social media cleanse. In this article, I shall tell you, yes, you. How you can get off of discord and possibly get a girlfriend during the time off.

Step 1: Threaten Yourself with the Power of Eternal Hellfire

What has kept people in line and made sure they didn’t mess up for thousands of years, and definitely hasn’t resulted in millions of killings worldwide? Religion. It’s rather simple: believe that after you die you will fall into a pit of eternal fire if you use Discord for the next 40 days.

Don’t believe in God? Just believe! Close your eyes, and trick yourself into believing. The more ridiculous the religion, the more fun it is to believe! Wanna believe the Norse gods? Just close your eyes, and make yourself. It’s not hard. All it takes is a little determination.

TOP TIP: You can do ANYTHING. Stop making excuses. “Oh, I’m blind. I can’t drive!” Do you lack vision, or do you lack VISION? “Oh, I’m a man, I can’t get pregnant!” Have you tried? Have you really genuinely tried?

Undeniable Proof of the Existence of God

Step 2: Go Somewhere

The world isn’t too far away. Go on a trip. Don’t have a car? Just walk. You can walk anywhere if you put your mind to it. Wanna walk to China? Just start walking in the direction of China and soon enough you’ll be there. The moon? Just walk upwards. Climb the ceiling and keep going from there.

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See? I walked to China. If I can do it, than you can do.

Step 3: Get a Girlfriend

Now that you’re off Discord and you went somewhere, how about getting a girlfriend. It’s really rather simple. Start by approaching a girl, then tell her a pickup line such as:

  • If women were boogers, I’d pick you first.
  • Are you an applet, because you make me feel all GUI inside?
  • Baby, are you programmed in Java, because all women are objects.

Thank you for coming to my Ted Talk enjoy the feeling of grass and dirt.

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